In conversation with a co-worker, it got around to where I stated that I had never dated – ever – in my life.
This shocked my co-worker, and she adamantly decided to make an effort to find me a girlfriend, saying repeatedly that I am NOT going to be a “nun” – which I swiftly corrected and yelled “priest!”
Someone like me having never dated really shocked her. She was almost pissed off. I kept telling her why I’m still single, and she wouldn’t buy it (she’s seeing someone else).
To be honest, that was the first time I really divulged in any thought of relationships in a couple of years. Growing up, I struggled to find that girl to “go out with.” I was 0-8 at high school homecomings and proms. Then I grew too old, and all the girls around me were solidifying their own relationships.
I resorted to reading books about this one weekend, and stumbled upon a bit of advice in one of them.
If I’m trying too hard to find that significant other, than it is time to put that matter in God’s hands.
I did just that.
That was almost 2 years ago. Only once did I derive from that, but it fizzled quickly.
Since my decision to turn the task to God, I had a wonderful best friendship, went through the depression of having that best friendship abruptly end, rebuilding my life from that depression, and creating ways to become more positive and occupied. So I didn’t have time to worry about finding a girlfriend; because I am too busy trying to fix my own life.
I kept telling my co-worker that I’m not ready yet. She didn’t understand that.
That’s the truth. I’m not ready yet.
About 80% of my life today is spent focused on Casey’s, SVM; or sleeping. The jobs are necessary to maintain my finances. I don’t like being broke. I think there’s just not any sufficient time in my daily life right now to commit to having, building, and maintaining a relationship.
I understand that there are couples today that have spouses work 100 hours a week – not because they want to, but because they HAVE to – and can still maintain a relationship. I just don’t know how they do it.
I try to cut work hours (time) and spending (money), and find ways to stretch my collars – cleanly – but that process doesn’t happen overnight. Once my work schedule becomes more “fluid”, then perhaps I’m able to entertain the possibility.
If I could find someone with the same interests as me, the better (SPORTS, HISTORY, TRAVELING, MAKING A BUCK). My job at SVM allows me to spend time with her while covering games and traveling (just can’t be with her in the office). Can’t do that at Casey’s.
I can’t go into a relationship unprepared. I’ll get overwhelmed, flustered, and confused; and get depressed because I’m overwhelmed, flustered, and confused.
I worry about failure. I felt failure earlier this year, and it felt extremely awful.
But I have to be real. I have to look close. My parents were in relationships before they got married at 19. My sister and my grandma Lorene have been divorced. My brother Mike has dated. So all these first times haven’t permanently worked out, but what scares me are the loose lips on my girlfriend’s part when the relationship does end.
It’s through my observations that women spread rumors faster than the speed of light, and they need to tell their sisterhood anything and everything. It kind of makes it harder for me to try again with someone else. That is, unless the new woman is in no way attached with the previous one.
So, really, I fear failure.
I’m still trying to find a formula for making breakups a mutual, non-nasty arrangement. Until I find that formula, perhaps I’ll be more ready than ever to take the plunge and start looking again.