I have tried many times to write a coherent thought about why I do not like coffee.

In basic terms, I don’t like the taste of it — it tastes like liquid cardboard — and it is too hot for my palate. However, at the same time, I do not like ice in my soda.

What I really don’t like about coffee is what it does to people.

Not directly.

I don’t like what coffee does to people when they become deprived of it.

You have black coffee, and there are many, many certain ingredients you add to that coffee to make it your own unique, particular concoction. Take one ingredient out of it, and the whole thing is ruined.

If you don’t have any French vanilla creamer — end of the world, and you cannot have your coffee. Often times I hear, “I can’t have coffee without [whatever].”

It seems really OCD to me. I say this as someone with Autism, which has common characteristics with OCD.

We have come to a point where we cannot wake up without the need of a certain pick-me-up, we cannot simply wake up naturally.

And if that certain pick-me-up is not available, then by George the whole day is ruined! We become absolute Godzillas because the routine has been disrupted, and we take it out on society.

I have noticed these attitudes have become more prevalent among those who can’t wake up without their coffee, as opposed to those who can’t wake up without their soda — such as myself.

Yes, I need a certain liquid as a morning pick-me-up, but you’ll never see me throwing a hissy fit when I can’t get my soda.

That’s because I have at least 3 12-packs of soda in my fridge, and I have different varieties,

As you all know, my addition to soda is absolutely radioactive. The reason why you won’t see me complain about a certain fountain spigot being out of order at the gas station is because I have learned to like different flavors. I can adapt to these shortcomings.

I do not prefer one over the other between Coke, Pepsi, Sprite, Mountain Dew (or any of its particular flavors), Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb, Seagram’s, orange Crush, Welch’s grape soda, Squirt, Surge … I’ll drink almost anything except for Fresca. If the choices whittle down to diet, I’ll even drink the diet stuff. Doesn’t bother me whatsoever.

The more I think of it, when I think about my absolute hatred for coffee, I become more thankful for my mental flexibility.

I have the ability to change my cravings at will. This might be a fat guy problem. If something is unavailable, I try something else. I don’t get in a mental fluster and let it snowball into a bad day — but it seems to me that coffee drinkers have that problem.

The reason why I hate the same old lock-step routine is because of Sod’s Law and selection bias: Something will go wrong at some time. Rather than subject myself to the disappointment which “can and will happen,” by willingly changing my routine, it eliminates the possibility that anything can BE “wrong.”

My mental ability to adapt against someone’s day being ruined by the broken routine has triggered ego clashes between myself and customers at times. Sometimes it becomes difficult for me to diffuse the situation because I find myself thinking in terms of how I would deal with the situation. While I have to remind myself that I am different than almost everyone else, I find it difficult to solve the immediate problems.

That being said, at Casey’s, our cappuccino machine is out of order, as well as the ice maker in our fountain machine — meaning we have no ice for our fountain pops. While someone like me can easily deal with the alternative, and derive from the usual routine, there are many people who cannot do that. Personally, I do not like ice in my fountain pop because it dilutes it. However, I cannot tell someone my alternative, because I know they cannot deal with it.

I don’t like undergoing the same routine, and that goes against the characteristics of Asperger’s Syndrome. I’m simply learning to overcome my disability.

But I won’t drink coffee. I don’t want to be a monster.